PET HUMOR

Animation by Kitty Roach

midi ~  Shine

 

FYI: Did you know that dogs have owners, but cats have staff!

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THOUGHTS ON CATS  =^..^=
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." -Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wantsbreakfast." -Anonymous
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb "
As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe.They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." - John S.Nichols
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will take a whiz on your computer." - Bruce Graham
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
"My husband said it was him or the cat. I miss him sometimes."
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me"- Anonymous

 

 
 

HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A PUPPY!
 1.  Remove film from box and load camera
 2.  Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
 3.  Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
 4.  Choose a suitable background for photo
 5.  Mount camera on tripod and focus
 6.  Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
 7.  Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
 8.  Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
 9.  Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with the other hand
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
12. Put magazines back on table
13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No outside!"
16. Call someone to help clean up mess
17. Sit down for a deep breath and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" first thing in the morning 
By Anonymous

 


Snoopy's own website

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KITTY FACTS
  • Did you know that the fattest cat on record weighed a whopping 45 lbs 10 ounces.
  • The pupils of a cat's eye may enlarge as much as four times the usual diameter when they approach their food. Sort of like a man's.
  • Is your cat left-handed? 58 percent of cats favor one paw over the other with twice as many favoring their left paw over the right.
  • Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same frequency as an idling diesel engine.
  • The oldest cat on record was Puss, who died in 1939, just one day after celebrating his 36th birthday.
  • Cat's hearing is among the sharpest in the animal world. A cat can recognize its owner's footsteps from hundreds of feet away.
  • A cat is so fastidious that it spends 10 percent of its waking hours grooming itself.
  • Cats have a 120 degree field of vision which gives them tremendous peripheral vision. They see in cinemascopic  vision without focusing, giving them the appearance of staring into space. When a cat does focus, it is about to   pounce.
  • The superstition about black cats being unlucky is peculiar to Canada and the United States. In both Asia and England, black cats are considered lucky.
    • source:  I Love CATS magazine
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    Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill
    (humor)
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    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
    12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
    13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
    14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table. ~author unknow

     

     
     

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